Relationships are HARD WORK!

Human beings were made primarily for relationship. The first time God said that something in creation was “not good” was when he commented on the man “being alone” (Genesis 2:18). Humans were made for relationship with God, relationship with each other, and relationship with the rest of God’s good creation. It’s at the point of relationships that we reflect the nature of God most completely. “God is love” (1 John 4:8), and not just any kind of love; God’s love is committed, unconditional, voluntary, loyal, covenant-keeping love.

So what went wrong? In one word (here it is again), “Sin!” Yes, that pesky tendency to view all of life with self at the center consistently blocks real relationships. For that reason, healthy, happy relationships do not come naturally or easily to us humans. Even in the context of grace and a new relationship with God, relationships are hard work!

Not only are relationships hard work, every time a relationship goes “to the next level,” it requires more diligent, thoughtful, sensitive, intentional effort. There are several levels of relationship, from the very superficial to high levels of “oneness”: (1) Acquaintance, in the context of occasional, casual encounters and conversations; (2) Friendship, when two people explore the things they have in common and begin to share life on a more consistent level; (3) Commitment, a decision to be loyal to a relationship, “for better or worse,” seen most completely in a godly marriage; and (4) Oneness, two people becoming one in heart and mind as a result of sharing life through many trials over a long period of time.

Human society not centered around the Lordship of Jesus Christ finds it almost impossible to have deeper levels of relationships. Our American “individualistic” culture works against committed relationships. Everyone knows that we have become experts, not at growing a healthy marriage, but at breaking marriage vows at the first sign of trouble. As Christ followers we need to take another look at the personal and interpersonal skills needed to grow Christ-honoring, God-glorifying relationships. We need a revival of relationships that are governed by God’s self-giving love – at home, in the local church, in our communities.

Recent research into healthy, committed relationships has described such relational skills and qualities as (not in any particular order): (1) Kindness, (2) Being open to change, (3) Commitment to meeting the other’s needs, (4) Encouragement, (5) Ability to negotiate win-win resolutions to conflict, (6) Cheerfulness, (7) Respect, (8) Being a good listener, (9) Trust, and (10) Patience. Above all, healthy relationships require commitment and loyalty to another person. For Christ-followers commitment is based on the conviction that God has brought another person into our lives and is joining our hearts together (for whatever reason). When Christ is at the center of a relationship, our mutual commitment to Christ will hold us together, in good times and in bad.

The quality of God’s love not only summarizes God’s character, it is the primary evidence that you and I have a growing relationship with God. Jesus told his disciples, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35). Paul taught, “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law” (Romans 13:10). Paul also summarized the qualities of a person of faith: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13). Peter also gave primary importance to our committed relationships: “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22). On the other hand, Jesus prophesied, “Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold” (Matthew 24:12).

When you have a casual acquaintance with someone, you rarely ever have a conflict; your communication is too superficial for that to happen. However, the more you get to know someone, the more you will encounter objectionable, irritating aspects of that person’s life. That’s why at each level you have to ask: Is God in this relationship? Does God want me to commit myself to this relationship? Is God calling for covenant-keeping loyalty in the midst of our mess? If the answer is “yes,” then it’s always possible to find a positive way forward toward greater commitment, intimacy and oneness.

Every relationship (except the most temporary, superficial relationships) encounters challenges along the way, some of them very painful, difficult challenges. Husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters (natural and spiritual) encounter many opportunities to give up and move on. Anyone involved very deeply in the life of a local church will face obstacles and offenses along the way. In every situation the question remains the same: Is God the source of this relationship? Is Jesus at the center of this relationship? If so, then God is calling for his committed love to rule. Our commitment to unconditional love will always empower us to do the hard work needed to heal a relationship and move on into greater levels of oneness in the future. By this, the world we know we are apprentices of Jesus.