What Are We Missing?

We love the fact that God ordained for us to be born in America. Even though there are a variety of regional variations, we all identify with our American culture. And the #1 feature of American culture is “individualism.” Our focus tends to be on our individual rights and responsibilities. The great American is a “self-made man” who pulled himself up by his own boot-straps, needing nothing and no one. We sometimes refer to this as “autonomous individualism,” a belief that meaning is found primarily in the context of disconnected individuals. Personal fulfillment is the goal and any and all behaviors are OK (as long as they don’t “hurt” anyone else).

At the same time, those who study American culture have concluded that our #1 complaint, the issue that haunts us most often, is “loneliness.” One source defined loneliness as “a social pain – a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of isolation and motivate him/her to seek social connections.” Think about it! Individualism and loneliness: Do you think there is a connection? What are we missing? Gilbert Belezikian has famously pointed out, “All people have a strong need to Know and be Known, Love and be Loved, Serve and be Served, and Celebrated for who they are regardless of age, race, sex or nationality.” What we are missing is real, meaningful relational connections. What we need is authentic community. We need each other!

We know we need connections. We complain about not being connected. Yet we don’t take the time to pursue those connections. We know the value of authentic community, but we seldom do the hard work needed to experience a meaningful level of community. I contend that every human being, because of the sin virus, is focused on themselves as an individual. Because we tend to see ourselves at the center of the universe, relationships in community are counterintuitive. We tend to connect with people to the extent that they meet our personal needs. We all bring our own issues, baggage and agendas into our relationships, and those issues tend to conflict with the issues of those we whom we share community. We can’t have lived very long and attempted very many relationships before being bumped and bruised by others and their needs. Eventually we may conclude that our needs aren’t being met, so we draw back and even draw out of a relationship. Maybe it’s better to just be alone. Or is it?

From God’s perspective, because “God is love,” and because God has created human beings primarily for relationship – with him, each other, and the rest of creation – being alone is the worst thing that could happen to us. You remember the creation story: “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Moses was rebuked for his individualistic style of leadership: “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening? …The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone” (Exodus 18:14, 18). That’s why the Lord gave Moses a group of elders: “They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone” (Numbers 11:17).

The Teacher of Ecclesiastes reflected on an isolated individual. “There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. ‘For whom am I toiling,’ he asked, ‘and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?’ This too is meaningless—a miserable business!” (4:8). His conclusion? A disconnected life is meaningless! The Teacher concluded with this famous poem:

“Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

One thing is sure: no relationship with any person will meet all your personal needs – only God can do that. In fact, if there is any hope of experiencing a healthy relationship and authentic community, your first relational connection must be with God. Then with God at the center, you will be free to love and serve those you are connected to, asking nothing in return. I love the promise penned by the Psalmist: “God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing” (Psalm 68:6). Because God has created us for community, it is his will that we be connected, to him and to others, and God provides us with opportunities to connect in “families,” including the local church. However, the Psalm goes on to say, “but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” Some have given up hope that meaningful, relational connections are possible (because they are too painful). Others stubbornly guard their individual rights without consideration of others. They will find that loneliness is a “sun-scorched land,” a desert, a Death Valley. They will discover that what we are missing is authentic community.